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Discussed on episode 42:

A couple of months ago I went back and listened to the very first episode of this podcast. I wanted to remind myself of what it felt like to be at that starting point 18 months ago, realizing that I’ll never be somebody’s mother.

I was surprised at how emotional it all was. I mean, for sure part of it was just nervousness about sharing something so personal in public, but I really was grieving a huge loss. And I was also, simultaneously, trying to figure out why I felt so sad about something that I’d never experienced in the first place - and something I’d already grieved many times before.

I realized, through the conversations I had on this show, that a lot of that grief was about not taking on an identity I thought I had to take on. It was yet another way I was living my life as an outsider, when all I wanted to do was belong. It was about being frustrated that my life would be seen as meaningless, when I knew that wasn’t true.

I’m so grateful to have had the chance to talk to so many phenomenal guests from around the world because they helped me to change those stories. They helped me to understand that the stories we’re told are hurting us, and they’re holding us back. 

So I want to acknowledge the power of exploring the questions that matter to us. How much it matters to pick up a question and turn it over in your hands and then pass the question to other people to hold for a little while. 

The comment I get most often from listeners of this show is that they’re thankful that there’s a space to talk about ambivalence in public. Not just a space to talk about being childfree—because luckily that’s happening a lot more these days—but they’re grateful that there’s a space to talk about being unsure, to talk about worrying that you’re making the wrong decision, to talk about what it feels like to realize that your life isn’t turning out the way you’d hoped.

That’s what I needed when I started this podcast. I just needed to sit with those feelings for a while. But mostly, I needed to talk about those feelings in public (and nobody’s more surprised about that than I am). And I feel really lucky that I got to talk with some truly amazing people, including many of you who wrote in to share your stories. 

But the other thing I noticed when I was listening to that very first episode was that I was hesitating. I wasn’t fully invested in the life I had. And it’s because I had a lot of questions about whether the path I was choosing was right for me.

I know this isn’t true for everyone, but I can become paralysed by those big life questions. I can spend years trying to figure out the right way forward for me. And so, while I do think it’s important to dig in to that ambivalence—to treat it as a spiritual journey, as my guest Sara said—it’s not a space to live in forever.

It has always mattered to me to be intentional about my life. Not to float around and see where the current takes me, but to actively choose my direction. I think that’s a big part of the reason I consider my choices so thoroughly. But in the end, all that deliberation has to lead somewhere. I have to decide. I have to actually plant both feet in the life I’m choosing. 

And I have. I don’t feel sad anymore that I’ll never be somebody’s mother. I mean, sure, I’ll always wonder about it a little, just like I’ll probably always wonder when I’ll stop feeling awkward and out of place as a stepmother.

But because I’ve been able to live with the question, because I’ve been able to talk about it with so many phenomenal people, it doesn’t feel like the loss I thought it was eighteen months ago. 

This is it. This is my life. And I’m really happy here.

I hope that you’ll stay on the fence as long as you need to. And I hope that when you’re ready, you’ll land with both feet in the life you want, because it’s the one you choose for yourself.

That, my friend, brings us to the end of Season Two of Maybe Someday. 

I want to thank all of the amazing guests this season who were so generous with their time and their personal stories: Bon, Karen, Meng, Veronica, Leslie, Sara, Tia, Jennifer, Patricia, Melanie, Satya, Briena, Rachel, Laura, Sasha, Casey, Antonia, Rosie, Kerry, and Bianetth. Thank you. 

I want to thank my producer, the amazing Haley Hatcher of Heart Centered Podcast Production, for all the love and care she put into every episode of this show. It would not have been possible without her.

I also want to thank Nicole Jenkins Deagan, for her production work on some early episodes this season. 

I also couldn’t have made this podcast without the support of my friends and my family, who were there for me through a pretty serious health scare. Thanks especially to Phil and Naomi for supporting me and keeping me company during some scary moments. 

And, of course, I want to thank you for listening. If you’re one of the many people who wrote to me to share a part of your life, I want you to know how much it meant to me that you’d write in, to a complete stranger. 

Bye for now.